Mid Thirties Bluesyness (Sort Of)

I am 36 and at that point in life where looking back seems more fun than looking forward. I am a mother of a lovely three-year-old girl and a wife to a husband I love. I am very lucky and I am actually really happy with my life and yet, at the moment I feel absolutely rudderless, and I should not be.

I am not miserable, not in the slightest. I just cannot see my path ahead at the moment, if that makes sense, but I should!

We have recently relocated to The Netherlands, where I am originally from, after ten years in England (SW London). It was not an easy decision to return and I am still not 100% convinced it was the right one. I loved where we lived and had a superb bunch of friends. In the end it was the proximity of family and the house prices that made us sway towards The Netherlands. It will be lovely for my daughter to grow up amongst her extended family. Yet, for me personally, my heart still lies in England. Hopefully that will just take some time.

Mid thirties is an odd period in life. You are no longer a youngster, but you still half feel like one. You do not identify with being middle aged yet (does one ever I wonder?), but you do not have the energy you had when you were twenties (I don’t anyway). Plus you realise that the music you used to listen to as a teenager is now as much in the past as the Rolling Stones were when you were young. Crazy right! Nothing can make you feel old like hearing a tune you used to love and realising it is twenty years old!

I sort of feel like I am in a perpetual waiting room at the moment. We have bought a house that needs a complete renovation. Building work has started, but it will be a few months before project house, part 1 is done and we can move in. Really exciting, but for some reason I feel quite removed from it. In the meantime we are in a seventh floor flat in a building full of pensioners. Not where I envisioned myself to be at this point in time, but I know it is only short term, so I will get over it!

I am at an age when I can still change things and that is what we are doing with the new house. It will mean a complete change of lifestyle and that is exactly what I need. How and what I will be doing exactly I am not sure yet, but I will figure it out. The path is unclear, but I am sure life will magically shift into the right patterns (I am still ignoring the fact that I need to make that happen).

Anyway, on y va… 😉

K.

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